If Your Grandparent Was a Fortune-Teller, You're Probably Cursed (And Other Pat Robertson Tales)

Pat Robertson has said something noteworthily extremist every day of his four-day workweek—I was right to want Hugo Chávez assassinated! It's un-American to force a business to serve gay people if they don't want to! Impeach Eric Holder!—but the more influential Robertson monitors, Right Wing Watch and The Raw Story, must have gotten tired of covering his shenanigans because they left all of Thursday's ridiculousness on the table.  So allow me to fill in for them.


The Civil Rights Act of 1964 Doesn't Exist, Apparently

Thursday's top story was Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer's veto of Senate Bill 1062, which would have allowed business owners to deny services to whomever their religion tells them they shouldn't have to serve.  But really we're just talking about gays and lesbians and gay/lesbian marriages, because that's still "acceptable" discrimination in some quarters.  So here's how Pat Robertson kicked off the show:

“If you're in New York and you're a homosexual and you're a bartender, you can refuse service to a Republican or a born-again Christian, or somebody you don't like, with impunity!  No problem.  If you happen to live in California, and you run a bakery, and you happen to be a born-again Christian, and you say, 'I don't want to bake a cake for a homosexual wedding,' you can go to jail.”

This year marks the 50th anniversary of the Civil Rights Act.  You know, the law that says,

All persons shall be entitled to the full and equal enjoyment of the goods, services…and accommodations of any place of public accommodation…without discrimination or segregation on the ground of race, color, religion, or national origin.

So, no, that gay bartender in gay New York can not refuse service to a born-again Christian with impunity.  (Republicans? They're fair game, I guess.)  Also, no one goes to jail for discrimination.  It's a civil violation.  That's Pat Robertson, Yale Law School graduate, everybody!

This tale also includes the Fall of America:

“Well…what's happening in America is we have changed the fundamental way we view morality.  We've gone away from a Biblically based standard to a standard based on what Hollywood has to say or Madison Avenue or whoever.  And it looks like there was overwhelming opposition to gay marriage, and that has now shifted, so probably a majority of Americans say, ‘It's okay if gays want to get married, that's their business.’ ”

If Your Grandparent Was a Witch or Fortune-Teller, You're Probably Cursed

A viewer asks Pat if he believes in generational curses, like how families have histories of cancer and diabetes.  Well, Pat responds, cancer and diabetes, that's probably more genetic than spiritual. (Probably.)  But spiritual generational curses are real:

“I do believe that there are such things as generational curses.  If some grandparent was a witch or a fortune-teller, or engaged in the black arts, the chances are that curse will come down the family.  And it needs to be broken by specific prayer.”

God Can Grow Back a Limb—A Preacher I Knew Said It Happened!

In response to another viewer born without a right hand, Pat says That's okay, you're already spiritually whole, and people can live fulfilling lives with disabilities like yours.  But if you want a new hand, God can give you one:

“Can God grow you a hand?  That's a creative miracle, and it happens.  I remember T. L. Osborn was talking about a meeting he had in Ghana.  A man at the edge of the meeting didn't have a whole leg, the leg was cut off at the knee: whole leg grew out, foot grew out, toes grew out, toenails grew, the whole thing.  Right there, while he was preaching about Jesus.”

(Why do these "miracles" only happen in faraway places like Ghana and not here in the good ol' U.S. of A.?  Because only simple people are open to miracles.  Westerners are too educated and sophisticated to accept them.)


The Antichrist Might Be a Jew—But He Could Be a Muslim!  Or Even European!

Dear Pat, I've been looking into End Times prophecy and it seems to me that the antichrist is going to be a Jew… Do you think that makes sense?

“I think it may make some sense… I think there are antichrist figures, there's an antichrist spirit, and it's a spirit of rebellion against God, and who knows.  I certainly think the modern-day Islamic people, the people from Islam of the early days at least, had an antichrist spirit—they speak against Christ!  And there are others who do the same thing.  So: is he Jewish, is he Arab, is he North African, is he from Europe?  Where is he?  I don't think we know.  But what you said can make plenty of sense.  But I wouldn't spend a lot of time meditating on it.”

Yeah, it's probably a Jew that will bring about the End Times.  But don't worry about it.

Pat Robertson Had Quite a Show Today

There was so much Pat Robertson crazy on today's broadcast of The 700 Club, I don't even know where to begin.  At the start of the show, I guess.

1. The opening news story: the United Nations Human Rights Council is considering referring Kim Jong-un and other North Korean officials to the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity. Robertson follows up the story:

“Why do we have this?  Keep in mind the policy decisions of the United States have enormous consequences and they last for decades.  We had the opportunity—and I was in the Marine Corps in Korea, I know whereof I speak—we had the opportunity in that peninsula to close it off and win a military victory.  General MacArthur was going on the way to the Yalu River, he was going to set up a defense line across that boundary, and then he was going to mop up what was there, and we would have installed a democratic government in Korea.  Instead of that, the politicians were scared of what the Russians might think or the Chinese might think, and they took MacArthur home in seeming disgrace, he was cashiered by Truman. 

“And we made a line on the 38th Parallel, and we allowed Kim's grandfather…to set up a dictatorship, and have had that country on the watch list.  Now they have developed nuclear weapons, who knows if they have chemical weapons, and they have tormented their people.  And at the same time we send delegations over there to make peace with them—there's no peace with a group like that.  They should be arrested and executed…”

In actuality, Gen. Douglas MacArthur was relieved of his command after his efforts to push the war up to the Yalu River resulted in China's joining the war on the North Korean side and flooding the Korean peninsula with 180,000 troops—despite having assured President Truman that China would not do so, and severely underestimating how many Chinese troops could cross the Yalu into North Korea if they did.  The unexpected Chinese offensive severely drove back United Nations forces; for two months, Seoul was under North Korean control.  Pat Robertson's "scared politicians"were the Truman Administration with their order to establish a cease-fire, an order which MacArthur directly contravened—a clear act of insubordination warranting his removal.

At least that's what the history books say. But Pat knows whereof he speaks, as he was in Korea—in the rear echelon, to be exact, where his father, a U.S. Senator, secured him a cushy position as a "liquor officer" responsible for maintaining the soldiers' supplies of alcohol. (Actually, Pat's father wanted him kept in Japan and out of Korea entirely.)  Pat calls himself a combat Marine, but he never saw combat or came anywhere near it.


2.  A former Planned Parenthood nurse (who admits she wasn't really pro-choice to begin with) is calling the organization "a money-grubbing, evil" place because some staffers liked to chant "Abortion all the time!" (Also, receptionists got yelled at if they let the phone ring more than three times.  Evil!)  Well, Pat Robertson needs only the barest of excuses to go off on Planned Parenthood, and here it is:

Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson Didn't Want to Do the Show If He Couldn't Thump His Bible

You all know about this thing where Phil Robertson, the head hillbilly on "Duck Dynasty" said homosexuality is a sin and now A&E Networks is "suspending" him from future episodes of the show?  I don't have to lay it out for you all over again, right?  Good.  (Note: Despite numerous jokes to the contrary, Pat Robertson is not related to Duck Dynasty's Robertson clan.  Also, I don't watch "Duck Dynasty," so I only have vague conceptions of what the show is like.)

As The Daily Banter points out, after four seasons and hundreds of hours of raw footage, "there’s no way the network didn't know his true thoughts and feelings. He could barely keep them to himself most of the time anyway; someone almost certainly had to work around his commentary that wouldn’t be appropriate for air."

In fact, Phil Robertson's religious beliefs were part of the show from the very beginning.  Just last month, Alan Robertson, Phil's son and a former pastor, joined Gordon Robertson (Pat's son) on his warm-up show, 700 Club Interactive, and said that papa Phil told the Duck Dynasty producers up front that he wouldn't do the show if he couldn't preach along the way:

“When the production company came in for the very first time…and they're telling him about the ideas [for the show]…he held his Bible up, and he said, ‘Is this going to be in?’ and the producers said, ‘Phil, that's a part of your life, whatever's part of your life is going to be on this show.’  He said, ‘If this isn't in, I don't want to do this.’ ”

A colorful backwoods redneck wants to tote his Bible on national television?  Surely he won't say anything that will offend anyone!  Okay, at least not on the show, because TV producers know enough to cut those parts out.  It's when he becomes famous enough to talk on the record outside the show that he poses a problem.  A&E surely had to know he was a loaded gun waiting to go off.

Or maybe they were prepared for this eventuality.  The Superficial puts forward the plausible theory that this is all one big ratings gambit: making Phil Robertson a martyr on the altar of liberal political correctness is just the latest riling up of America's right-wing, and ultimately serves to increase the show's exposure and viewership.  Of particular note is the fact that the rest of the Duck Dynasty family doesn't seem to mind continuing the show without their patriarch, so even they know this is just for show. [Update on this point.]

As I pointed out on my personal Twitter account, A&E subjected Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman to the same "suspension" in November 2007 for using the N-word—but production eventually resumed, new episodes aired the following July, and the show ran successfully for four more seasons as if the whole incident never happened.  So much for any corporate values or standards that A&E might profess.

And in case you were wondering—which I know you weren't—Pat Robertson fully supports Phil Robertson's homophobia.

“I'm one of his supporters, I think he's a terrific guy… What he said is fundamental Christian truth: homosexuality is a sin!  Adultery is a sin!… The Bible makes it very clear that certain things are such that ‘the land will vomit them out’!  Read Leviticus, it's in there very clearly.”

But if you want to laugh, keep that video going and check out how Pat's co-host Terry Meeuwsen thinks that Duck Dynasty's popularity stems from the family's conservative moral values. Yes, that's why people watch the show, not because they want to gawk at hillbillies.  Just like America craved the good wholesome values on "Jersey Shore" a whole two years ago.

Pat Robertson Practically Trashes a Suicidal Gay Viewer's Prayer Request (April 28, 1997)

If homosexuality were truly a choice, you wouldn't have thousands upon thousands (millions? sure, why not) of devout evangelical Christians struggling with these "sinful" urges of lust and attraction towards members of the same sex—but we do have those people, because being gay isn't something you just decide one day: "Today's a good day to go to the beach!" "I feel like having waffles for breakfast!" "I think I'll be a lesbian!"

So maybe you can begin to imagine how a devout evangelical Christian wrestling with his homosexuality just might be suicidal after a steady diet of being told how his fundamental impulses are wrong and evil and bringing down society.  Well, you can imagine that, but Pat Robertson can't.

“We've got all these prayer requests… Here's somebody, just for example, saying, 'I want deliverance from homosexuality,' you know, they're contemplating suicide DAILY.  Don't talk about being gay when you're trying to kill yourself every day!”

He really thinks it's two separate things!  This guy's struggling with homosexuality, and he just happens to be suicidal.  Goodness, let's fix these suicidal inclinations first, then let's talk about your being gay.  That the guy was suicidal because he's gay—no, Pat can't grasp that.  After all, why would a man want to kill himself just because he's gay?

Can't imagine.  Up next: Are homosexuals ruining our country?

The Time Ellen Came Out and Everyone Lost Their S--t (April 30, 1997)

It's 2013.  Gay and lesbian marriages are legal and recognized in 13 states (are we counting New Jersey and saying 14 yet?) as well as the District of Columbia, and apparently parts of New Mexico, too.  Both the Defense of Marriage Act and Don't Ask, Don't Tell have been repealed.  Polls indicate that a majority of Americans supports same-sex marriages, and even wider margins support prohibiting discrimination against gays and lesbians in employment and housing.

You can imagine how much Pat Robertson and the Religious Right are up in arms over this increasing (and overdue) acceptance of homosexuality in our society, or as they think of it, this "normalization," this encroachment on traditional family values.

Now watch how much they lost it in 1997 all because a TV character came out of the closet.  And not just some supporting character, but the lead!  Goodness gracious!

• Note how CBN (Christian Broadcasting Network) News anchor Lee Webb actually says that having Ellen Morgan (Ellen DeGeneres's character on her Elleny show Ellen) come out on the TV show is a bigger deal than the same-sex marriage advancement taking place in Hawaii.
• "Part of a prime-time television onslaught! Part of a coordinated effort to force America to accept the homosexual lifestyle!" It's a gay conspiracy!
• Yes, Brent Bozell is that guy who tells us every week that the latest episode of Family Guy or American Dad! or whatever's on MTV is destroying the American family.  He's been doing this for over 25 years and if we believed him every time, the American family would have been obliterated long ago.
• Also note how Pat makes the distinction between lesbians and homosexuals.  He does this a lot.  I know what you're thinking: "Lesbians aren't homosexuals?"  I can only conclude that Pat uses "homosexuals" as a synonym for "gay men" because he can't stand using the term "gay" in that context.  (I get the impression he never got over how a perfectly good word like "gay" got co-opted by those people and now it's all sullied by their man-on-man sex and he can't touch it. Notice how he says "so-called gay characters" later in his rant.)  So why not just leave it at "homosexuals" and lump lesbians and gays together?  Who knows.

And here's what ran the next day, the day after Ellen's coming-out episode aired.  It's pretty unremarkable, but look for the then somewhat obscure, now recognizable celebrity comedian who CBN News used for comment.